To the Foster and Adoptive Parents who are loving and in love with babies exposed to alcohol:
Yes, all children need love and being loved does make a huge difference in the life of every human being.
However, if you have other children in your home, you need to think this through very carefully. Especially if the children are around the same age.
All the love you can give the child affected by alcohol and drugs will not necessarily erase all the damage done in utero. Yes, we can pray and God does heal. But God is also sovereign and has the right to decide to allow some afflictions to continue and exist.
I had been raising four affected children for the last 13 years, along with five of my birth children. The two oldest have become adults and are no longer in the home. The two that were babies when I recieved them are still in the home.
I do believe the oldest of the four was a terrible, terrible influence on several of my children. Looking back, remembering how he was giving the younger boys weed when they were only 10 and 11 years old while at the same time appearing to be so charming and cooperative – one can see now that he was a master at being two different people.
People without a conscience have the ability to be appear completely charming and innocent because they have no conscience or guilt.
I was talking to someone the other day and began remembering all the different things; not just drug and alcohol abuse, but sexual issues, lying, stealing, conning, attempting to break into someone’s home, trashing another home, and much more. We had been fighting his worst behavior for seven or more years, but kept giving him more chances – keeping him in the home and around other children – because he was so convincing about being sorry or even innocent. There were also many things I didn’t find out about until much later.
Now I am looking around and seeing the fruit of that 13 years of work. Not only have the two oldest returned to their birth families and are abusing drugs and alcohol, (the oldest to the worst degree, as if he had never been raised any other way) I am also expriencing deep issues with most of my birth children.
Remember that group called Al-anon? That group exists because of the universal emotional hardship of living with someone that is an alcoholic. Living with and loving a person that is dishonest, manipulative and has the ability to make you believe that everything wrong is your fault takes a huge emotional toll.
Do not fool yourself into thinking that your birth children will not be affected by living with someone that has fetal alcohol issues. Children with fetal alcohol struggle with understanding cause and effect. They tend to think of things in terms of immediate gratification, are very self-oriented, and they frequently lack what we call a conscience.
I am now left wondering if what one pastor had told me is true – that I sinned when I took in extra children and neglected my own.
I had one of the two boys that are still in my home taken to a facility two nights ago, and a doctor there is recommending and in-patient treatment for him. We are still waiting to see if Medicaid will pay for it. I might have to bring him home again tonight if we don’t get a response from Medicaid today. If Medicaid doesn’t okay the treatment, I’m not sure what my next step will be. I’ve got to begin thinking about my two birth children who are also still home and start making them a priority – for the first time.